| disjointed |
[28 Dec 2008|11:56am] |
head
common phase's gone, and i'm three weeks into specialised phase. time's a friendly enemy (and i say friendly enemy and not inimical friend simply because time just works AGAINST one in the army and not FOR one), friendly because time to rest and be alone or laugh with friends is cherished, but thats so limited it's painful, an enemy because time passes so damn slowly while you're outfield yet so quickly when they grant me seven hours of uninterrupted rest (which actually amounts basically to 6 hrs for 18hrs of activity a day), and of course the seemingly never-reaching commissioning/ord date. i'm sure that i want these 2 years to pass as quickly as possible, though a small part of me says bear with it moron it's good training look how some of your relationships with people have improved! look at how much you've discovered about yourself! look at how it's made you grown up, made you think in a more pragmatic and mature manner! essentially that's the part of me i'd simultaneously want to slap yet am unable to deny. the constant depression and mental games is just not worth it, and i do feel i've suffered quite enough. perhaps it's the mid-NS crisis, when one starts to doubt everything that he's done, or even worse, all that he (or she =.=) has achieved thus far in one's life. this has held true since almost 6 months ago, and i find that while the general training situation has improved, but the mental one hasn't, and it's plain exhausting. even some who have passed their trainee phase see eye to eye, which makes me wonder what life will be like when i pass out, whether it'd really be for the better. all that uncertainty really gets to me, and i find that regardless of wherever ive been in my short nineteen years, ive always had a plan b, and the lack of that (as prohibited by the law) now is disconcerting.
musing more on specific facets of training now, i find myself more inclined towards reconnaissance, which could be (and i empahsize on the could) a blessing in disguise. very very convincing disguise. blessing because there're plenty of people which makes it easier for one to seek help (it's important for that especially when you exist in an organisation as the ______), disguise because the management is... _________ (fill in preferred profanity). it's another 15 more weeks or so, and i'm hardly excited (to put it mildly) at the non-stop, no-chance-for-a-breather training schedule. makes me reconsider my decision to be an instructor.
which leads me to consider my options after i'm commissioned, about the kind of posting i would prefer. i find myself in dire need of time to prepare to civilian life after ord (after all this idiotic moron did screw up his freaking a levels, the exam that really matters =.=), and now pays the price dearly for taking only a month to study for a levels =.= (linked to arm, elaborated there)
left arm
university options are suddenly open, with the option of going overseas now being made available. taking sats have become of utmost importance to make up for abysmal (read above for exam name)_____ grades, and this in turn affects my decision on what kind of posting i would like to express my interest in. another conflict of interests: practicing what i've learn in a unit (which is kind of the whole point of going to ocs), or teaching as an instructor (which is what i've kind of aspired to be since day 1), or getting an 8 to 5 admin posting (which grants me the most time to prep for civilian life). they're all attractive to me, and im honestly torn between all three options. i have to constantly remind myself im in a more unique situation than others, which requires me to commit myself more to my studies and hence justifying my need to be in an administrative post, while the whole point of my NS life existence points more towards the instructional role, or if im good enough, to go to an active unit. and all that simply points to a huge entanglement of factors to go through and consider. what a bitch.
right arm
and speaking of _________.
it seems nothing really works out exactly as one plans, and that so far has held true for some in the department of relationships, platonic or otherwise. it's sad that somehow those that one choose to hold on to seem to be able to slip through one's fingers, no matter how hard one tries. going through this phase of my life, independence seems more like a friend more than just a necessity, because it saves one a lot of emotional baggage. some baggage we will never be able or want to get rid of (at least for me), but for others... it gets tiring no matter how much you want to hold on, and that's rather disappointing, or more accurately, at the core, just plain old sad i do hope it's just a phase though, and that we will recover from these rough patches, or rather, ruts, because eventually, at the end of the day, we know that nothing replaces what we have together, because true ties are so hard to find, though ironically even more difficult to maintain.
going out for a while, might be back to chat for a while before going into greenery.
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[30 Nov 2008|03:07pm] |
it is quite perfect really.
its early afternoon, and i'm sipping Coke (Coca Cola, not cocaine)leisurely, watching Gossip Girl (brainless, yet satisfyingly fulfilling), it's drizzling outside (it was quite a storm thirty minutes ago) and most importantly, i'm blissfully unaware that i belong to the army. that's what i look forward to really, the reason why i crave bookouts so much, the reason why being confined is such a depressing notion to me, because the lure and temptation of escapism is honestly irresistible.
to tell the truth, escapism is a love hate thing for me. it grants me endless (ok not endless since my time is "potong-ed" regardless of the activities following the next day of bookouts) moments of ignorance, and we all know that ignorance is SUCH bliss. however, being a double edged sword, it makes reality no easier to face, and in fact makes me lapse into what i like to refer to as "daylight comas", in which the stoning mechanism becomes overly active such that i become oblivious to the happpenings around me while i engage in wistful fantasies of F-WORDS such as Family, Friends, and most importantly, FREEDOM. this might seem as the perfect way to escape from the unpleasantness of the army. however being an officer cadet entails being alert 24/7, which means when i tune out something importantly always seems to be happening, in which case i then either get shouted at in best case scenarios, get knocked down on not-so-good days, and on occasions when lady luck wishes forsake me totally i get confinements. hardly worth the 5 minutes or so or escapism, if you ask me.
still, it is a perfect afternoon now, because it is times like these when escapism is my best friend, and time is on my side (at least for a while), while i catch up with friends, enjoy the company of my family, and last but not least, release myself totally from the shackles of being an military man. because afterall, such precious times are hard to come by.
im much too old for my own liking.
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[02 Dec 2007|12:12am] |
Dancin' where the stars go blue
Dancin' where the evening fell
Dancin' in your wooden shoes
In a wedding gown
Dancin' out on 7th street
Dancin' through the underground
Dancin' little marionette
Are you happy now?
Where do you go when you're lonely
Where do you go when you're blue
Where do you go when you're lonely
I'll follow you
When the stars go blue
Laughing with your pretty mouth
Laughing with your broken eyes
Laughing with your lover's tongue
In a lullaby
Where do you go when you're lonely
Where do you go when you're blue
Where do you go when you're lonely
I'll follow you
When the stars go blue
The stars go blue, stars go blue
sigh.
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[14 Sep 2007|06:03pm] |
whoo!
grrr.
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[29 Aug 2007|08:15am] |
calvin: hi hobbes! whatcha doing?
hobbes: (lying comfortably against a tree)
nothing.
calvin: nothing at all?
hobbes: (looks nonclalant)
nope.
(both looking contented)
calvin: i'll help.
hobbes: please do.
sigh.
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[28 Aug 2007|11:51pm] |
today is the 28th of September, and it is 15 mins to the 29th.
GP is on 30th.
fuck/
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[08 Aug 2007|10:16pm] |
i have: 20 days till prelims
82 days till A LEVELS
103 DAYS TO FREEDOM
stupid school im stressed everyday. whee.
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[05 Jul 2007|10:35pm] |
this seems pretty accurate
| You Are An ISFP | 
The Artist
You are a gifted artist or musician (though your talents may be dormant right now).
You enjoy spending your free time in nature, and you are good with animals and children.
Simply put, you enjoy beauty in all its forms and live for the simple pleasures in life.
Gentle, sensitive, and compassionate - you are good at recognizing people's unspoken needs.
In love, you are quiet and sweet yet very passionate. You love easily.
You have an underlying love for all living things, and it's easy for you to accept someone into your heart.
At work, you do best in an unconventional position. You express yourself well and can work with almost anyone.
You would make a good veterinarian, pediatrician, or composer.
How you see yourself: Sympathetic, kind, and communicative
When other people don't get you, they see you as: Incompetent, insecure, and overly sensitive |
this is screw-up inaccurate
| You Are Smokin' Hot | 
You're a terrible flirt, a sharp dresser, and a party animal.
Of course, you're totally sizzling too. And for you, being hot just comes naturally. |
=.=
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[22 Jun 2007|12:09am] |
it is
the
TWENTY-SECOND OF JUNE 2007.
COME BABY COME BABY COME BABY COME!
HERE WE GO HERE WE GO HERE WE GO NOW!
wtf.
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| omg im blogging! |
[10 May 2007|11:11pm] |
wow. im updating this weird blog which seems pretty distant to me. cool. it must be what months? and i even forgot to blog about being a d i/c. hahah.
i am stressed. seriously. omfg&*%#!@$#!2tmdknnbccb stressed.
dance is just around the corner, and the efforts of all our admin work over the last 2 months have finally started to pay off e.g. publicity. i think i've worked harder as vice-pres of mad than any of my other posts ive ever held, even when i was in council. not demeaning my council experience, but somehow it never hit me after my term there was nothing else i wont be able to do as much or even nothing anymore; there was always another year, another term, another chance, another opportunity. but now, at the peak of my JC2 life, everything is at its climax, and i realise, that after dance night, my life is going to be as exciting as this line: ___________________________. no wait cancel that period, cos thats not gonna come in till my As are over. hurray. please jump for joy.
then again, the stress is kind of going to my head and i think im becoming this walking bag of emotions. yeah yeah i know, no different from the previous me but now it OVERFLOWS and it's being LET OUT and i'm irritated excessively. i made yirene cry on tues by raising my voice at her unnecessarily. for once i didnt feel bad or scared about it, i simply felt pure guilt and embarrasement. i mean wtf what kind of guy makes a girl cry!? someone shoot that asshole please. and its not just irritation, my temper is almost always at the top now, close to surfacing everytime i talk to ________ (fill in the blank) and god knows i try to REN3. i can almost feel the anger churning,not just @ ________, but angry at how stupid some stuff can turn out, pissed at small moronic things that require-attention-but-aren't-that-important-but-not-totally-unimportant-either, and furious whenever something doesnt go to plan or last minute crisis-es (is this correct =.=) pop up when i've been trying hard to prevent any from happening to make sure everything goes smooth and nice. i mean wtf im using post-its! does anyone i know know that i use post-its? =.= what a pain in the aRse.
and it doesnt help that im just f-ed up tired almost all the time. dance till like 8 everyday reach home 9+ and do hw till 11++ can cmi already. (yest and today (i.e. NOW) i just got back @ 11pm) I HAVE THREE FUCKING TESTS ON DANCE NIGHT WEEK. TMD. chem math and econs. mon, wed and thurs, FRI SAT DANCE NIGHT! WHOOHOO! im fucked =.= and it doesnt help to have a bloody ultimatium hung over your head all the time. damn it. that screwed up bastard is an asshole. ppc pwns. i like ppc.
and yes, im like caught in this bubble where im looking out on everybody, and sometimes its hits me from nowhere, like im a third person looking @ myself work throughout the day, looking as my day goes by and how i handle it and stuff. it's like being isolated, being so busy and all, im obviously not as close to ml, c, sw, cw as before, and somehow the busy-ness just keeps me from spending time with them or thinking about them. ok i shall not attempt to emo about freinds now, because i cannot break down and emo now.
i need to get through this. i need to be strong.
and yeap, you just need to get used to it. cos it might never be the same again.
grow up kiddo, its time to burst your bubble.
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[14 Mar 2007|11:22pm] |
"excuse me, are you m.a.d.?"
[yes, m.a.d. through and through.]
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[14 Mar 2007|11:05pm] |
currently in a super fucking bad mood.
why?
multiple reasons.
because what you want is not what you get.
because everything is simply slipping through your fingers.
because there just isnt enough time.
because you are cut off from everything else. well seemingly.
because everything seems to have lost its value.
because nothing and no one stops and waits for you.
because it is the holidays.
because, BEcause, BECAUSE!!!!!!!!!!
fuck im suffocating and am bursting. i am irritated enough to demolish an entire building now.
FUCK.
FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
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[16 Jan 2007|10:29pm] |
you don't know you've lost it till you miss it.
oh my god.
what a nightmare.
after one and a half years, it has to come back to haunt me.
i am itching to play softball again.
yeap. you read this right.
I WANT TO PLAY SOFTBALL.
after giving it up in sec 4 june.
a year and a half later.
throwing ball, fielding, catching, pitching. (ok maybe not so much of pitching =.=)
but it all came back as i walked onto the pitch with my glove, running, jumping, catching, fielding, smelling the grass, TRAINING UNDER THE SUN.
wearing a cap, slacks, swinging a bat (again, not very applicable), and weird jerseys.
it rekindled a fire, a small but powerful one, no doubt.
for me to get onto the pitch again and want to work up a sweat under the sun.
with my WIFE.
the love of my life.
just managed to clean her up just now.
seeing my wife makes me exited.
i want to play softball.
but of course...
what you want,
is not,
always
what you
will get.
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[23 Dec 2006|01:48pm] |
ahhhh... another song that pinpoints so many many things that have happened... so damn accurate. these coincidences are popping up everywhere. but too bad i only notice them now. if i had time to smell the roses earlier... this song might not even hold any meaning to me. still, moving on eh? i'm not giving up, just you wait...
The Perishers
Sway
I talk to you as to a friend
I hope that’s what you’ve come to be
It feels as though we’ve made amends
Like we found a way eventually
It was you who picked the pieces up
When I was a broken soul
And then glued me back together
Returned to me what others stole
I don’t wanna hurt you
I don’t wanna make you sway
Like I know I’ve done before
I will not do it anymore
I’ve always been a dreamer
I've had my head among the clouds
Now that I’m coming down
Won’t you be my solid ground?
I look at you and see a friend
I hope that’s what you wanna be
Are we back now where it all began?
Have you finally forgiven me?
You gathered my dreams in
When they all blew away
And then tricked them back into me
You saved me I was almost dead
I don’t wanna hurt you
I don’t wanna make you sway
Like I know I’ve done before
I will not do it anymore
I’ve always been a dreamer
I've had my head among the clouds
Now that I’m coming down
Won’t you be my solid ground?
I don’t wanna hurt you
Like I know I’ve done before
I will not do it anymore
I don’t wanna hurt you
I don’t wanna make you sway
Like I know I’ve done before
I will not do it anymore
I’ve always been a dreamer
I've had my head among the clouds
Now that I’m coming down
Won’t you be my solid ground?
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[15 Dec 2006|12:31am] |
This song is apparently 10 years old but i've only heard it recently and it's been playing in my head for ages now. can't seem to stop it.
不值得
梦飞船
除了想你除了爱你
hu ~我什么什么都愿意
翻开日记整理心情
hu ~我真的真的想放弃
你始终没有爱过
你在敷衍我
一次一次忽略我的感受
我真的感到力不从心
无力继续
这感情不值得我犹豫
不值得我考虑
不值得我爱过你
这种回忆不值得我提起
不值得想起
不值得哭泣
这段感情早就应该放弃
早就不该让我浪费时间找奇迹
这样的你不值得我恨你
不值得我为你而坏了心情
我决定不为你而毁了心
放弃爱你
除了想你除了爱你
hu ~我什么什么都愿意
翻开日记打开心情
hu ~我真的真的想放弃
你始终没有爱过
你在敷衍我
一次一次忽略我的感受
我真的感到力不从心
无力继续
这感情不值得我犹豫
不值得我考虑
不值得我爱过你
这种回忆不值得我提起
不值得想起
不值得哭泣
这段感情早就应该放弃
早就不该让我浪费时间找奇迹
这样的你不值得我恨你
不值得我为你而坏了心情
我决定不为你而毁了心
不为你而放弃爱情
不为你而毁了心
我决定不为你而毁了心
放弃爱你
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| change |
[07 Dec 2006|11:22pm] |
everything changes. and possibly nothing remains the same.
let's tackle one at a time.
friendships come and go, whether they're just people who you simply wave hi to, or the person(s) whom you feel like you've known all your life.
but things change.
you couldn't be any closer as friends, but the next moment, he becomes a total stranger. you may feel like you know the person inside out, but in an instant, you realise you can't read his mind anymore. that is the cruelty of frienship: it pulls you out of trouble when you need it the most, but you only realise how precious it is to you only when you lose it.
then comes bgrs. some experience it as love at first sight, some know it as a courtship of varying lengths of time, but it all boils down to finding that someone who will become your soulmate. you start to know a person (or maybe not), and slowly, but surely, you fall for her. she probably feels the same way too because she doesnt seem to reject you. all is going well.
but things change.
just as you realise that she's the one, things just dont work out for various reasons. you/she had a change of heart, you guys cant get together, circumstances just don't allow it. and so it doesnt go as you wish it would.
it is such experiences that makes a person realise how alone and vulnerable he can feel. and yet he must trudge on, knowing that he's going through a mine field, and that going through them would mean that every single bomb would explode in his face. but he goes on, knowing fully that if he survies it, he will be a stronger person, a better person, who knows how to look out for the mines from now on, how to protect himself from them, and how to shield himself if they really do explode in moments of carelessness or when uncontrollable circumstances occur.
the solution to all this is simple: be as independant as you can. so that even when such things happen, it wont hurt as much, and you'd be able to carry on with your life. no matter how sweet and touching your best friend was to you, no matter how much you liked her, you'd be able to let go. just be a lone ranger.
but thats the pessimistic view point. can you really take such a life?
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[07 Aug 2006|10:44pm] |
Seventh of August Twenty "oh" Six:
The Day When It All Went Away
When you see that the bus is empty
as are the roads
and the traffic lights just say go
you know it's rare but true
like everything's just not fair.
Tell me, while im still listening to you
and still have a chance at salvation
How these corssroads are a test of choice
when they seem to force you to be condemned to a single route
It's you, i say
it's you. Just like life is always about... just you.
and of course, every other one in the world,
whom i hide from under my weary mask.
im sorry, i can't say
but i just cant bear to.
and if you're reading this, know one thing
nothing is like it seems
just like how all the facades are misleading me.
it makes no sense whatsoever.
but accept it i will
and as usual, i have no choice.
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[07 Aug 2006|10:38pm] |
What Hurts The Most
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do
It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do
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[24 Jul 2006|10:31pm] |
disappointment yet again.
ahhh. its week 5. and i feel like term has just started. im taking a hell lot of time to get used to school.
the previous 2 weeks were pretty crazy, with MAD prac everyday. especially the sundays,where we had performances, the performances at Jurong East Library for NUS Charity Concert as well as for Tapestry street busking. the first one for NUS was gross i think. no.1 i was coughing with a fever and sore throat and runny nose and with the music blasting in my head, my temples almost burst out of my head. luckily kelvin was there to force water into my system before i overheated . although stupid clarice like waved fries and oreos in front of me =.= biatch. then there was tapestry. street busking was ok, 'cept that the audience were boring. but i did see joel and oliver though! who would have thought that after 5 years they wound up to be clarice's churchmates =.= then there were the 2 CT session Racial Harmony Performances,which according to feedback was not coordinated enough costume weird i don't smile enough and kelvin fast by one beat hahahha. but its was overall great. so there.
then theres the stupid block test results, which i shall not embarrasses myself by publicising my abysmal(is that how you spell it) grades. i feel dumb. bah. i need to mug. excuses excuses excuses. dance, sleep eat. though all are essentials and must-haves in my life, im been using them as too much of excuses of late, cutting myself too much slack. guess im just allowing myself to (how ironic, even as i type this im wasting precious study time =.=) rot and be despised. i could argue that im dumb, stupid, but deep inside i know perhaps i am lacking a little in intelligence, but mostly, i just dont have the motivation and drive to study as i did 5 years ago. im am very disappointed with myself, not with my lousy grades, but for allowing myself to sink this low. i need to turn over a new leaf. i need to be disciplined. i need to be pushed. please remind me when you see this people. i need to mug. i need to do better. i want to see my name at the top 10% namelist whenever mrs foo announces our bio results. i feel like ive disappointed a certain someone, and im sure you can see this. help me ok. i will fufil whatever you wish of me, just remind me. i will do your every bid.
if only you could tell me personally. i miss you.
if i had been smarter, had a wider perspective, perhaps it would all have been better. for all of us.
and i still havent stood in the rain.
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[04 Jul 2006|10:49pm] |
blocks over.
somehow,i didn't feel the elation that i expected to feel after it. all i felt was exhaustion, and a stomach full of guilt and disappointment.
#1
obviously because i am so freaking unprepared. although this is the first in a very long time that i felt so helpless in an exam or test. i miss the days where last minute cramming could do wonders. i would take my time to study even when cramming for like say chinese, where an 85% was possible and expected for every test. ah.. those were the days. hah this makes me sound like a super lazy ass who thinks that last minute will pay off, but sometimes it did. and i guess i've been slacking too much. hard to believe but i actually was hardworking once! and that was when i was in p6. an eternity away. actually just 4.5 years away. STILL. im going to try get back into mugging again. and see if it works for me. (what am i talking about im a freaking student its supposed to work for me. =.= )
#2
exhaution, both physically and well mentally.
because ive come to realise that night study is what works for me, i've been sleeping at 8 and waking at 2, taking a bath to freshen up and then mugging all the way into the night, morning, right up to the exam. seem to work quite well, except that my body isnt used to it cause i started this too late, so right after bio all i did was go home lie on bed. and realise adrenaline coursing through my veins doesnt not wear off till much later. so stoned with the television till my temple throbbed. and then got KO-ed into lalaland. till at night thne i woke up hah.
mentally because the stupid blocks are just plain draining from preperation and taking them. bleh. don't wanna say more. you know what i mean.
do you?
everything's going on at such a fast pace that nobody seems to be able to slow down and smell the roses anymore. i wonder why.
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